There’s so much I want to say, but ironically, there’s so few words to describe exactly what it is I want to convey. Perhaps it’s too personal to say anything, but at the same time, maybe it could be cathartic to at least try.
As I sit here trying to work through the reality of my Grandma’s passing, sometimes my hands literally shake, I tear up, I scream, I cry, I sit silently in shock and a million other things which slip my mind. I scream at God, demanding an answer to why this happened, but no answer comes. I cry, although I’ve cried so much over the past couple of weeks I wonder how I have any tears left. I sit silently in shock over how she’s no longer here in the flesh, feeling absolutely dead inside. There are so many things I feel, and at the same time, I’m numb to everything around me. My world has been completely shattered.
Grandma, as I’m sure anyone who knows me can tell you, was one of my closest friends in the entire world. Even though I knew in these last days I was going to have to let her go, it was something my heart couldn’t, and still can’t, fathom doing. Grandma was such a major part of my life that I pictured her living forever, or at least until I passed away myself. I realize how unrealistic and selfish that may sound, but it was part of my coping tactics to avoid the reality of one day losing her. That reality, however, has now hit me and here I am left with a void I can’t describe, and trying to make sense of it all and trying to muddle through each passing day.
There are so many memories I have of Grandma, especially during the times she would baby-sit me while my parents worked. I can attribute my love of the soap operas to her. My sister and I love to tell the story of how she would make us either take naps or sit quietly just as soon as “the stories,” as she called them, would start. I always remember her going back-and-forth from the kitchen to the living room watching the antics on whichever soap opera was on at the time as she was cooking. If we became too loud or disruptive, I can still hear her threatening “to get the fly swatter after us if we don’t behave!”
I remember how protective Grandma was over me, especially one instance where I had fallen and cut my head while at her house, requiring me to have stitches. I remember she was worried sick and crying until she knew I was okay.
Grandma was also very crafty. Quilting was probably her favorite pastime in my younger years. I couldn’t count how many times her sisters would be there helping her “put in a quilt,” as she would say. So many times I came into her house to find everything in her living room pushed to the side, with a large quilt in a frame in the middle of the room.
As I grew older, Grandma began to depend more on me. I would be the first one she would call on to take her shopping or to run various errands. While most of these trips would be rather mundane, there were also plenty of times I would have some random funny story I would be able to share with my Mother as to what Grandma either said or did during the trip.
Even though I have the memories of our time together, it’s incredibly hard to admit to myself that she has passed. I try to muddle through the day, forcing myself to try to be the person I was before she left, but in the end, all it leaves me is exhausted from putting on a false front. My faith reassures me she’s in heaven with God and those we love who have passed on before us, but to be honest, it doesn’t help me to cope with her loss here. I suppose in time that will come. I long for the day, however, I can be reunited with her. I hope that one day, I can make her proud to look down from heaven on me. I hope that one day, I can have half the character she had. I hope that one day, I can look back and be thankful to have had the chance to love someone as much as I loved her instead of falling apart each time I think of her.
Now that she’s with God I know Grandma realizes how much I really love her, and I hope I was able to show her while here on earth just a glimpse of that love. I pray God would let me somehow feel her with me during my time on this earth, and I can’t wait for the day we’re reunited! I love you, Grandma!